So, I was reading a very interesting blog piece when I performed a Google search a few years ago. The Google search I conducted was “How to get a boyfriend when you’re fat” and the article focused on exuding confidence, while trying to get as skinny as possible so that the boy you’re interested in will like you. Pause. What? That was the most terrible thing I had read in a long time, yet I was trying hard to follow that advice…
You see, Old Ash wasn’t as confident as Current Ash is. She thought she was fat and ugly and not enough to be considered by any man…ever. Drastic, I know, but very true…at least that’s what I thought. I would look at body confident warriors on the internet and wish my parts were as beautiful as theirs and wish I could have the confidence they had so that a man can find me attractive. Chile, I was in such a dark place.
Lots of things contributed to the way I felt about myself, but the most notable was the affections of my “high school sweetheart” who didn’t want to claim me in public and who had affections for me, but only secretly and who was worried about being with me because I was plus sized. These are things he told me verbally…romantic, huh? Eventually my self-esteem hit a dark place and it took the love and care of my best friend, Rutha to help me see that I probably needed to talk to someone about how I feel. I started therapy sessions and they were the BEST. Apart from marrying my heart, therapy was the best decision I ever made. After my sessions I tattooed a reminder to myself on my body so that I’ll always remember that EVERY part of me is beautiful. From my head all the way down to my feet.
When I started to be pursued by Marques I let it be known that I love me and that the only person changing this body was me. He fell in love with every single part of me and I love him even more for that. If anyone ever told you that you needed to be a certain size to be pursued by a decent enough man, don’t believe them. You can be whatever size you wanna be and whomever you are with will love you anyway, if they mean it. If someone truly loves you, something like weight, which can change any time, would not hold them back.
I’ve become my own body warrior. I think I’m great and I can do and wear anything I want and I don’t care what anyone says. Most importantly: I love me. Don’t ever let anyone make you think you’re not worth anything because of how you look. Anyone can buy body parts, but no one can buy personality, compassion or individuality.
You’re beautiful and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Don’t believe THAT hype.